In November I’ll be coming out with two new books in print, Middle Ground and Second Chance. I had my friend and graphic designer in Portland touch up the cover of Second Chance to get it ready for the print edition (so that it will match the paperback cover of First Comes Love, coming out in April). I’m loving it.
I’m also having a baby in November. I’m 37 weeks pregnant and so ready to not be pregnant. Some women shine when they’re pregnant, they glow and float like goddesses. Me–not so much. I cried for two hours last night, just laying on my side, bawling my eyes out while my baby karate-chopped my bladder with her strong hands and ninja-kicked my stomach and lungs. I’m just not me these days. I’m a human carrying case, I’m a waddling vessel. I don’t even see myself when I look in the mirror. I see a stomach the size of Canada, I see swollen hands and feet, I see tired, sleep deprived eyes. And hair that’s desperately in need of highlights. I see someone who’s normally fit and athletic and active, now forty pounds heavier with lead feet.
Pregnancy is nine months of teaching you one very important lesson: what it means to be selfless. Your mind, your body, even your soul say: You are not important. Everything inside of you, all of your anatomy and energy, is dedicated to growing this new life and you suddenly realize you’re sloppy seconds. That’s what I feel like these days, and I want to be me again. I want people to look at me and see me, not my stomach, not the awkward way I walk with my back arched so I don’t fall flat on my face, not the way I grunt and groan when I sit down and attempt to stand up.
I don’t mean to complain. I know what a gift and blessing and joy it is to have children. I have the most amazing little boy who I love more than anything on this earth. I pray every morning and evening (sometimes in between) that this baby will be strong and healthy and I can’t wait to love all over her.
But, I’m ready to have me back, too.
And drink a full glass of red wine. 🙂